River Cruise Brochures Don’t Help Octo’s

River cruises are expensive. Much brochure glamor does not help us Octo Travelers. Octos’ needs and expectations are different. Don't book until you read this article

The who, what, where, when and how of river cruises.

The What and Where: River cruises hold about 180 passengers. They navigate major rivers. In Europe some are Seine, Rhine, Danube, Rhone, Moselle, Douro. In Asia, they sail The Ganges, Mekong, Irrawaddy and Brahmaputra. They dock daily at ports for sightseeing widely varying interest and importance. The operative word is ‘varying’. River cruises are branded as ‘leisurely’. We will show you why this is not true.

The Who Some 400 ships sail European rivers, with 60 more being built. Sadly, river cruises are also part of over touristing. Demographics are mainly American, secondarily German, then other Europeans and increasingly Asian. River cruises attract an affluent older crowd, who want convenience, minimal flying, inclusive pricing, no packing/unpacking. Another trait of this group never mentioned in brochures is that sightseeing is limited and therefore, quite superficial.

I read one national newspaper which stated you make friends due to fewer passengers. This is not true if your departure has private groups. If a charter by a private group, you remain an outsider. If passengers do not speak English, you might eat silently. I took 3 cruises not knowing there were partial charters. For the Seine, the cruiseline staff defined the passengers as “international’. There were 15 English speakers and 165 Germans. When North Americans toured WW2 Normandy Beaches, Germans sun tanned at Honfleur beaches. Awkward? You betcha. On another trip down the Rhone, there was a corporate awards group. At inner we learned who sold the most insurance.

The Why How to know if your departure is chartered or non English speaking? First, ask the company and your agent. Don’t be a wuss.

1—Ask what languages are spoken on board for all announcements.

2—Put the name of your ship and one port into google. I experimented with Heart of the Delta, a Viking cruise and found a 40 person Florida group traveling on one date. On a second google search, I found private UK groups on a different cruises. The Moselle cruise I booked was 99% Brazilians, nice people, but my Portuguese is limited to piri piri hot sauce. I had booked it for the dates and was a wuss not to ask the right questions.

Note on traveling with a non US group : I lived in the UK for ten years. My children were born there, best pals are still there. I sailed the Danube on UK based Noble Caledonia to the Black Sea. It was an unusual and excellent itinerary. Americans are chatty; Europeans less so. My husband and I struggled at dinner conversations. He defined our experience as dining with Colonel Mustard (the Clue Game). But for historians, British shore tours cover more history, World War sites, classical literature. Their walks are more academic and less jokey. I(f that is a word).

The How Walking No matter how they are marketed, you need to walk. Ships dock usually in or near towns. When there is a bus transfer, watch out. Example: Strasbourg is a 45 minute drive from the Rhine. You are bussed then given the walking tour. Typical walks go like this: a guided walk, a refreshment (as if you need another refreshment on a cruise) then ‘free time’ which is veiled shopping time.

1- Guides walk too fast. 2- Walking tours can end farther from the ship than expected. On the Moselle trip, I enjoyed a guided vineyards hike. It ended in town, but 1/2 mile from the ship. My husband, who cannot walk well, had to rush the same 1/2 mile from the ‘free time portion’ to the dock.

Cannot walk? Study the map of the ports or skip some ports. The concierge might have exact docking positions. Ask. Beware of walking the ‘plank’ from ship to shore. It can be daunting if you use a cane or it is dark. We left Lyon at 3AM to catch a flight to London. It was pitch black and the gangway was harshly lit.

The How choosing a cabin: These are expensive: $400-500 minimum per night. I’v cruised in luxury and budget cabins. River cruise cabins are usually 150-170 sq ft. All have windows or balconies. My cheapo cabin was fine. It had a permanent window above the bed. Since I was on the Rhine, with its hills and vineyards, topped with castles, I could view scenery looking up from bed. My opinion: if you want a budget cabin, sail the Rhine. On a Christmas cruise, I was upgraded to a top balcony cabin. Warning: in winter, balcony cabins can be drafty. Lesson: don’t pay for a winter balcony unless you are into icicles. Second lesson, rivers are busy; while docked, you might be sandwiched between ships. Your balcony might be climbable to another balcony.

Location of your cabin is also a big decision.

The What Food is included. Some is fake gourmet as in the Ube purple yam on your plate. The nationality of a chef is important, impossible to uncover. European companies offer different menus. Many Octos adore a hedonistic ‘vaca only’ American breakfast. European breakfasts have more toast less French toast. Portions are smaller; desserts, limited. On a British ship’s Gala Charles II coronation party, there were pink petit fours, hundreds of them. But nothing else. Where was my brownie and ice cream? Wines are usually included at lunch and dinner. If you are an oenophile, ask about choices: by country in port? or the same at every meal? There might be upgraded “House offerings” at $$$. Some ships do not allow bringing your own alcohol on board. Again ask.

The When European rivers are shrinking. They are higher with melted snows in Spring, they are shallower late Autumn and in Winter. Special folks will still not be able to walk on water. Rivers use locks which take time due to traffic. From your cabin you stare at the lock wall, or are driven to the next site. Usually you cannot lounge on sun decks while transversing a lock. You will be guillotined. Cruises are doable all 4 seasons.

There is much more to cover. Ask us for opinions on a cruise you consider. We’ll try to get answers or solutions. These cruises are still a great option for Octos. They are madly popular. I have enjoyed most, knowing limitations. I have a system for enhancing sightseeing for a more fulfilling trip.

Other considerations for your cruise?

Are there waves on rivers?

Do you have enough time on shore?

Are there cheaper non American cruises?

Are river cruises priced the same in Euros, Pounds and Dollars?

Can you be left behind if you get lost or cannot keep up on a tour?

Should you book the cruise pre and post options?

Should you book the cruise line’s air?

Which departure cities are best and worst for Octos?

Are there short cruises?

Dress code on river cruises? Can you be a slob?

Are river cruises hurting our rivers?

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